Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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