Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
