at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
