i think i have two assholes
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize