babies were throwing up all over the place
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
