He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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