i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
