how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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