I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
