she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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