I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize