you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
