I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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