life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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