I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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