I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
