Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
