I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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