why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm way too hungover for life right now
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
