What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
