Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just pee around me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
