Welp...herpes.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
