Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
