I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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