I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
