I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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