can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
