Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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