I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
