My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
