haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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