I just made out with a guy for $7.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Randomize
