her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
