Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So here I am, sexting at work.
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