Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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