I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
