I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
