I think i peed on brittanys purse
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
