after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
