If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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