she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
