Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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