i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
