how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
