So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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