When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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