does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
