i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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