from now on my penis is your penis
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
