i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
