after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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