Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
