in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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