Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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