well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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