I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
