I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
